Compassion

Over the last several months, I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that sometimes being messy is a beautiful thing. I learned that sometimes when I do not want to stop, my body will stop for me... and I learned that I really can only control so much about myself.



After almost a decade of managing the most important job of my life and working with the most inspiring youth I have ever had the honor of knowing, the program needed to close. Although my goal was to leave with a long six month notice and hire my replacement, that powers that be had something else in mind. When one pours their heart and soul into anything for a long duration of time it becomes more than a daily function, it becomes your heart beat... and it did mine. Three years ago, I finally mourned a dead marriage and thought I would never love again. I decided I would never fully understand love, be ok not having children, and simply refocus on me.



Instead, I met the love of my life.. and learned what un conditional love is.



I trained for my first triathlon, and I kicked ass, then became exceedingly ready and eager to take on a higher level of athleticism, but my body was not ready to do so.



In July, upon the closing of the youth center and upon having free time for the first time in my life... I crashed.. and hard. My body began having mild seizures, passed out a few times, had immune disorder problems, I developed panic disorder, and had a full out nervous break down.. Considering I was newly married, had just accepted a phenomenal new position, and was at the strongest point in my life... I "thought" my ship was sailing... What I did not know was that, sometimes... I just needed to stop.... and my God did it for me.

This summer was filled with countless tests... brain scans, blood work, ER visits, PT visits, and lots of medication... It had seemed that my body was waiting for me to slow down so I could listen to what it was trying to tell me... and apparently it was still broken, and needed to be fixed.



Throughout the last few months, I hit periods of raw anger... I was unable to cycle independently, drive, run, or even walk at times.... All I could do was sleep, read, meditate, and seek counsel. Apparently my body understood that it was safe.. I was with a man who finally loved me unconditional of my health, and it just let go. I even gave up swimming since I could no longer pull myself out of the pool with my arms anymore and kept collapsing on the deck. As the summer went on, I began getting answers.. I learned what true gentleness meant. I also discovered that people are ashamed to talk... to truly talk about who they truly are... and that I no longer wanted to be a part of that "surface" level of life



I accepted a job in another state. I lost a few close friends through my divorce, and gained a few new old friends again. I found myself being in complete awe of the smallest things like the wings of a bumble bee, and the way a cob web collects morning dew. I use to hate to sit still... yoga was always good in theory for me but holding a pose for two minutes was torturous.. as an adult with ADD and the need to be an overachiever... stillness was waste. I now spend every morning sitting still... sometimes I just hold my sweet hearts hand and gaze into his eyes as an hour slips by...



Today, I had the honor of leading a workshop on suicide... something near to my heart. The workshop began with a simple "Get to know you" exercise... and it went like this..



"Hi, My name is Colleen.. you don't know me.. but if you did know me you would know I have panic disorder". The youth gazed at me with wide eyes, and the next one went.. "Hi, my name is Chris.. thank you Colleen.. you don't know me.. but if you did know me you would know that I battle depression... and on and on they went. Some said domestic abuse, others faced bi-polar disorder, anxiety, low self esteem, body image problems, gender problems, medical conditions... As the circle of youth completed the exercise they all exhaled.. Everyone had gone below the surface, and we were ready to tackle the issue of suicide..



I was finally able to understand why... after such a long summer... that went nothing like I planned... and why... I wound up in CT... accepted a job with PeaceJam.... and had gone through the summer of what I called.. hell... but it wasn't hell.. it was a beautiful mess.



A mess that created the most beautiful painting.. one that is still in progress... and one that I will encourage each of you who read this to pick up your own brush and paint. Work on breaking down barriers.

Sometimes in life we just need to stop.. sometimes we just need to open up and share.. because all of us struggle.. and that is precisely why we all need each other.



Namaste.

Colleen